Worthless

Content warnings: existentialism, brief discussion of suicide

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09/22/2023
Dear diary,

It’s hard to verbalize the way that I’m feeling without talking in circles. I don’t know what words to use to begin to describe it. I don’t know if the words exist. This is all gonna sound “oh woe is me” like a fucking angsty twelve-year-old, but I don’t know how else to say it.

I feel bad. I feel stupid, unimportant, useless, and I don’t know what to do about it. I am not the person I should be -the person everyone wants me to be - and I don’t know how to get to that point. I worry about everything. I know I shouldn’t, but it happens anyway. Feels like it’s completely out of my control or some shit - I don’t know! I feel absolutely worthless, and I don’t know how to stop myself from feeling like that.

There are certainly ways I can try to help myself feel better (namely therapy) but the issue is that a lot of the solutions are locked behind a paywall, and money is something I don’t have a whole lot of. In the specific case of therapy, it never really felt like an option for me. The idea was only ever presented to me in the form of “you’re incorrect and you need to be fixed.” I didn’t like how that made me feel.

If I ever get to a point where I can afford it, I’m gonna seek out therapy.

What do I do now? Is there anything I can do? I’d be very interested in knowing, because I utterly despise this feeling and I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I’m never gonna actually, like, do anything terrible to myself, but hoo boy! The urge is very strong sometimes!

I don’t know the nature of the life I’ll be given after this one ends. Honestly, it’s a topic I don’t enjoy thinking about for too long. I’d like to imagine you restart with a new character. I hope that new character has a good life. I hope they’re happier, healthier, better looking, more successful, more financially stable. I hope they have more friends and a better family. I hope they aren’t constantly bogged down by this incredibly intense feeling of worthlessness. I hope that my rebirth leads me down a brighter path than my first one. I hope I’m able to achieve everything I want to. I hope I’m able to actually take advantage of the potential I used to have. I hope I can look back on my save file just before I’m ready to try out a new character and feel like I’ve done something right with the time I had. I’m so tired of taking one step forward and then seven steps backwards, I hope the next life is nothing but forward motion.

I’m twenty-four. Theoretically, I have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. How can I plan for a future that I’m not certain is actually going to come? I’m probably just rambling at this point, aren’t I? I don’t know. I just hope I can figure it all out one day.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.